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To Start Again. [Nov. 16th, 2004|03:56 pm]
[how am I feeling? |calmcalm]
[rockin' the boombox |Belle & Sebastian]

Improvements. Every which way - reinforcement, reassurance, reconstruction, reconcilliation. For some reason this particular avenue of time is the moment for change every which way. No matter who you are right now - if you know me, you're pushing through some stone you've never quite encountered before. It's just stepping stone - meant to help us. And let me not forget to include that I'm along for the ride. New positions, new cars, new apartment, new loves. New outlooks. New suffering. New losses. Let's all make this 'new' something to be welcome... for in life the one thing we are blessed with is the chance for a new beginning. Not a second chance - just to begin as if it never was. Or as if it never wasn't.

When destiny gives you her million dollar smile, make change.
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Both sides now. [Sep. 18th, 2004|05:34 pm]
[how am I feeling? |amusedamused]
[rockin' the boombox |Marvin Gaye - Sexual Healing]

This post is dedicated to Eric.

Which Hobbit Will You Shag Senseless?
by Biggertaylorboydstaf
Where You Did ItUnderneath
How Long It LastedWell, if we did it more than once, should I tell you how long it lasted each time? That'd take quite a while...
If You Had To Sum It Up In One Sentence"He blew my Mount Doom."
Quiz created with MemeGen!
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Light. [Aug. 18th, 2004|10:51 pm]
If I take a deep deep deep deep deep breath, maybe it will relax me. If I take a deep enough breath maybe it will relax everyone else.

It seems we're all running down this long hallway that just keeps extending. The walls sometimes look like they're closing in, that our paths are narrowing...

But no matter how dark a place you find yourself, I can promise you that I will always be around to push myself with ALL of my might to glow and be the guiding light that you need in this hour. This one is for my amazing friends. We are all struggling to find our niche in this world - but take comfort in the solitide that we are doing it alongside eachother. You are never ever alone and together, one day, we will all be a greater version of ourselves because of this. Your power is amazing; this is why I love you.
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My Evolution [Jul. 6th, 2004|10:29 am]
[how am I feeling? |complacentcomplacent]
[rockin' the boombox |Water - Lauryn Hill]

Isn't it funny. Isn't it funny how things change.

I am at such a spooky point in my life right now, I feel like I'm standing at the top of a mountain with my arms spread and there is a great chasm yawning below me lined with gushing waterfalls. All I'm waiting for is the perfect moment that I have just an *inkling* of bravery - or stupidity - to jump. It's not suicidal, no, its just moving forward. Making that moose-legged transition from childhood to adulthood. Cleaning out the Babysitter's Club books and replacing them with books about 'How' and 'Why' instead of 'who' and 'when'. The point in which I actaully get the jokes on SNL poking at politics, when I can chime in about gas prices and the deductable on my Blue Cross. When I begin to have friends who are seriously considering marriage.

When growing up actually intrigues me.

No matter what age I am, I'll always feel like that goofy giggley little girl with the long ponytail and uneven bangs carrying Strawberry-Cherry (my favorite Cabbage Patch doll) by the arm. If I'm in line at the bank, if I'm walking down the isle to the man I'm going to marry, if I'm waiting in the carpool to pick up my dirty little kids from school, somehow I feel the stress from life will not harden the little kid inside of me - it will bring her out.

I think a part of this awakening is falling in love. Here I go - I can at least be bold and admit to falling IN it. My past has been on my mind intensely because of this, but I believe that I've finally forgiven the pain somehow. This feeling is beautiful. Waking up next to him is beautiful, giving him a ride to work is beautiful. I can do this kind of thing for a really long time. It just feels RIGHT. That is the perfect way to start the morning; with the smell of his cologne and feeling like I'm part of something that is going to become much greater. He is so wonderful and he has no idea.

Like I said, isn't it funny how things change.
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Diseased and Displeased [Jul. 1st, 2004|03:43 pm]
[how am I feeling? |sicksick]
[rockin' the boombox |Theme to Eternal Sunshine - Jon Brion]

a poem by Shel Silverstein

"I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
"I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I'm going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
'I've counted sixteen chicken pox
And there's one more-- that's seventeen,
And don't you think that my face looks green?
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I'm sure that my left leg is broke--
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button's caving in,
My back is sore, my ankle's sprained,
My appendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb,
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my spine is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow's bent, my jaw ain't straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangnail, and my heart is--what?
What's that? What's that you say?
You say that today is... Saturday?
G'bye, I'm going out to play!"


A poem that hits close to immediate home - minus the Saturday stuff of course... ask the me 7 years ago about THAT. Let's see... somewhere between Darren's mom's and a late dinner the other night I caught a nasty bug. I bet it has horns and giggles, invites his other nasty little friends over. All I know is there's a party going on inside of me and I'm definatley not invited. Hot, cold, hot, cold, fever, no fever, vomit, no vomit, sore throat, little bit of a sore throat, headache, little headache. BLAH!!!! I hope I can make it to work tomorrow, money is a terrible thing that I need in a terrible way.

The god of the day is DayQuil. Oh how I wish Shel were around to write a funny poem about that, too, because then I could share it with you!
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Teeny Bikini [Jun. 7th, 2004|05:23 pm]
[how am I feeling? |boredbored]
[rockin' the boombox |John Mayer - Hummingbird]

You know, even if I could wear a bikini, I couldn't. Not because it's against any overly-strict morality code I've trapped myself with (as I seem to do) but because even if I had the body my boobs would never fit those bikini tops! In the end, if anything, it's a comfort.

Shopping today I was inspired - let's try a bikini on. I haven't gone even gone NEAR them since I was 14. I tried one on in the 8th grade and it left me huddled in a dressingroom in a fit of tears. But the trauma wore off, obviously, because I found myself shopping through them kind of excitedly. The bikinis are always cuter than the one piece outfits anyway, which is an injustice all its own, so I didn't have much of a problem finding something I liked. The results? Hmmm... Even though little ol naughty me has not been going to the gym, I didn't look so terrible. Not that I could prance out on the beach like that w/o feeling like a beached whale... I dunno. I think life has boosted my confidence as of late. Everything fit. Well, almost. I thought one of the perks of bikinis is to show off breasts, I mean, right? At least it was in the 80's. Not that I'd buy or wear one of those G-strings that the hot chicks in all the metal videos wear but a lot of those girls have gotta be bigger than me. I dunno. It kinda offended me... screw the market of the early 90's booing big-breasted women and encouraging Calvin Klein to starve their models and market heroine-chic. The bustline was reduced, the empire waist was raised and for some reason every halter top or button-up shirt feels the need to choose what size my breasts are for me.

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A Reminder [May. 24th, 2004|06:07 am]
[how am I feeling? |gratefulgrateful]
[rockin' the boombox |n/a]

How strange and encouraging it is to find someone new. And to find that someone new in a person you've spent countless hours with discussing life, love, companionship... and not even suspecting that's where it would be hidden at all. Perhaps that right there is the perfect way to find like. Or even - love. Did I say that?

The experience I'm having right now is an incredible one. It's got the excitement, the adventure. Learning, letting go. The sense of humor, the charisma. These are what memories are made of. I don't want to jump into things here, but he's the guy I've been searching for. I knew it the instant I met him; wearing giant yellow Mickey Mouse slippers. I wasn't aware of it.. but I felt something. A feeling inside of me stopped and said "Hey... wait a minute.." I wanted to know him better, even if it was in a platonic way. Looking back, I've remembered some moments that I DID want him for myself. I didn't know that's what they meant:

  • Noticing him slide his hand across the hip of a girl he was seeing for a while (and wishing it were me)

  • Making sure he was always invited

  • Calling and inviting him myself and being dissapointed if he'd say no

  • Having a random romantic dream of he & I taking a walk under an umbrella on a windy autumn New York day and sharing a tender kiss

  • Asking a million questions about him to friends - out of curiosity

  • Beng extra charming, teasing and witty when he was around (though, I felt his antics paired with mine created good chemistry and allowed me to be that way w/him)

These types of things you unknowingly stumble over and when you find them you just go on living your everyday... you don't put 2 and 2 together. It wouldn't make sense to because this person is strictly your friend. I didn't realize any of this had any kind of relevance until after I kissed him, after everything became clear. I had forgotten my instant crush on him. I had also forgotten what a passionate kiss felt like, what having someone you can rely on felt like, what having honest fun felt like, what having a date to dinner felt like... and as a last thought, what it feels like to have someone to write about.

Thank you for reminding me.

No Doubt
Don't let it go away
This feeling has got to stay
Don't let it go away
This feeling has got to stay
And I can't believe I've had this chance now
Don't let it go away

New, you're so new
You, you're new
And I never had this taste in the past
New, you're so new

My normal hesitation is gone
And I really gravitate to your will
Are you here to fetch me out?
'Cause I've never had this taste in my mouth

Oh you're not old
And you're not familiar
Recently discovered and I'm learning about you

New, you're so new
You, you're new

And you're consuming me violently
And your reverence shamelessly tempting me
Who sent this maniac?
'Cause I never had this taste in the past

Oh you're different, you're different from the former
Like a fresh battery, I'm energized by you

Don't let it go away
This feeling has got to stay
Don't let it go away
This feeling has got to stay
And I can't believe I've had this chance now
Don't let it go away

Why am I so curious?
This territory is dangerous
I'll probably end up at the start
I'll be back in line with my broken heart
New, you're so new
You, you're new
And I never had this taste in the past

Don't let it go away
This feeling has got to stay
Don't let it go away
This feeling has got to stay
And I can't believe I've had this chance now
Don't let it go away

And I can't believe it
Can't believe it
Can't believe it
Can't believe it
Don't let it go away, this feeling has got to stay
Don't let it go away
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Sucker [May. 14th, 2004|01:46 am]
[how am I feeling? |infuriatedinfuriated]
[rockin' the boombox |Cath - The Cure]

Not just to lose respect for someone, but to realize how they've disrespected you is a hard - very jagged - pill to swallow.

Love slaps us in the face all the time. Globally, 24 hours a day and seven days a week, someone is nursing a broken heart, someone is trying to find their new love in the bottom of a Jack Daniels bottle, someone is being cheated on. And in each of these places these poor souls who feel so alone are suddenly encircled by these angels who deliver tender words and warm hugs. These angels we also know as our friends. They will break their backs trying to hold you up, be it having too much from that Jack Daniels bottle or because you've spent all your energy crying the day away. They alone remind you of how great you are. They sit and listen to you babble endlessly about your lost love, low self esteem, family life for HOURS. They'll try to keep their eyes open even though they're falling asleep while you're talking... they are your army. And when someone hurts you they take a deep breath and put on their combat gear.

Such as life at 22, we've all met this tragedy at some point or another; the tragedy of a broken heart. Be it on a small scale or a large one, I wouldn't refrain from saying all of us are jaded at least a little bit by now. I've been the wounded - I've probably made that clear with this journal, I'm sure (insert rolling eyes here) - and I've noticed the warm hugs and the long talks and the *please feel better* look in their eyes. They would have done ANYTHING to make me feel better and I love them for that, and I remember it. I've also been the soldier. I AM a soldier. When a friend of mine has a gaping wound in their chest I don't stay quiet about it... not many people would. And I don't take it lightly, either. Be it 3 years ago, 5 years ago... 20 years ago. If you've hurt one of my friends, you've hurt me and that's the end of the story. Maybe it's indirectly holding a grudge - but isn't the role of a friend to watch over the person you care about? And to warn them of making a mistake? When your ex saunters back into your life - the ex that chewed you up and spit you out, that screwed you up for years, would YOU take them back with open arms? How about after a long talk thinking they sound like they're coming from a better place? How about doing it in spite of what all of your friends tell you? Or how about if you've never honestly gotten over the person and haven't made the whole hearted effort to find someone new? Think about it.

The phrase of the day is "I can understand the temptation...", and I can, I REALLY can. But the real question most people stop and think about is "Can I really allow someone to do this to me? Can I really let this person get away with hurting me like that - and am I willing risk my heart and my time in that way again?" The people I've talked to do this - and their phrase of the day always ends with "...but it's a terrible idea." Which it is. Not only are you making a sucker of yourself but you're making assholes of all of your friends - all of the angels that tried to support you through the bad times and helped you laugh through the pain. You let them down, you let everyone that's ever been royally screwed up by an ex down, and ultimatley you've let yourself down by allowing someone to cross the boundries that you've lain. The only person who wins is the ex, the bad guy. You can NEVER let the bad guy win - it's like watching Bowser enslave Princess Toadstool for eternity, Ursela winning Prince Eric's heart and actually marrying her forever. It's the sad part of being a friend - when you can do nothing about a terrible mistake you see coming and having all of your concern for the past 3 years fall onto deaf ears. How can you watch them ruin themselves with a lethal person you've come to loathe? The person you know that is so incredibly unhealthy for them? How can you even want to be around when they are around? Why are wonderful people wasted on some of the ugly people out there. I could continue with the how's and the why's, but there's honestly nothing I can do - which probably drives me the most insane. It's just... the bad guy is NOT supposed to win, ok?

I wish, more than anything right now, that this didn't bother me as much as it does. It makes me sick. I broke out over this, I have all these gross zits and all on the behalf of someone who can't keep their hands to themselves. I wish I could respect this decision, and I wish I also felt respected and appreciated. But nothing I've said - nothing - has been heard. A mind was made up WAY before anyone said anything to me and my hot air was just there to remind me they were alive, I assume. Why do I care SO MUCH? I'm not really sure. I sort of feel like it's a big "fuck you" to me, actually. For many reasons. I want to be the supportive friend but how am I supposed to be supportive of someone's unhealthy addiction? Unhealthy infatuation? I can't be.

Love slaps us in the face all the time. But when friends do it, it stings a lot worse.
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Morn of Epiphany. [Mar. 27th, 2004|09:44 am]
[how am I feeling? |tiredtired]
[rockin' the boombox |blink-182 - I Miss You]

I think I've got it all figured out.

The problem with the morning is that it's just too effing early.

Phonetically, the word "epiphany" should not exist.
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Sledgehammer [Mar. 22nd, 2004|06:35 am]
[how am I feeling? |enviousenvious]
[rockin' the boombox |Duran Duran - Rio]

I am a fat girl.

I am still focusing on the "me". The self improvement that I have undergone this past year has proved successful, though, always always an undeniable work in progress. The rehabilitation of this vast sunken vessel in which I breathe, laugh, eat, think, admire, cry, enjoy, is coming along and right now I am at the biggest hump: self image.

Always believed myself to be eh - ok. And when boys stearted to look at me in high school I'd always peek over my shoulder for a beautiful stranger or check to see if my stomach was hanging out of my shirt. I went through this thing for a while where I felt I was always the fat girl ruining the picture - the ugly friend the boys would warm up to as a ploy to get closer to the CUTE one. And to be dead honest, I still feel that way sometimes. And I still do honestly believe that boys warmed up to me to get closer to my friends... I was always the invisible friend. Good thing, back then, I didn't really care or realize it. My head was too stuck on discovering The Beatles and a mysterious dark haired boy on the internet (oh god.). I always was proud of who I was - never really paid much mind on WHAT I was. I just knew everyone was prettier than I was, and I didn't really care one way or another. Was it naievete - the purity of an untouched youth who hadn't read her first copy of Seventeen yet? Hm. I can say that before I read those magazines I never checked to see if my side of the car was slanted more, worried about my weight in the elevator or got embarassed when someone tried to pick me up. Nor did I care about sharing the size of my pants with anyone. And I for SURE didn't think the first reason a boy didn't like me was because I am fat.

I wonder what it was that I put to my lips to give me this gut. I wish all the food I shovel down my throat could speak - firstly, it'd be a LOT easier for me to be a vegetarian - and secondly, it'd be a LOT easier for me to fit into those fabrics I drool over in Nylon. Maybe I couldn't afford them, but at the very least I could slip into them in the dressing room and take a picture - a la Leslie. I've always been a feminist to some degree. All women are. But man - I'd love to be a feminist with curves. Where did I put my waist? Who stole my waist? I guess I did. Or - Burger King.

I worry about my health.

Everyone has their weird things about their bodies but half the time I just feel like a man. With a beer gut and a 5 o clock shadow above my lip. In a dress I'm sure any drag queen could upstage me - at least she has curves. I wish I could always be clothed. Forever and ever and ever... I look better that way. I just see myself nude in the mirror and picture that scene from Peter Gabriel's "Sledgehammer" video where the 3 plucked turkeys are doing the can-can. My 5 minutes of fame. Lumpy mashed potatoes, unleveled grassland. I hate that fat is looked at as unattractive. I hate those postcards and campy porn images of obese women in swimsuits - or nothing - and seeing peoples reactions. "Ew!" they squeal. Why is it ew? Why is it so wrong to be fat? Obviously, we're taught that. And I'm not sure if my story is much different. I want to wear half shirts and bikinis on the beach. But I can't - because fat is unacceptable. And I WOULD - but people would humiliate me if I did. And inside we're all just scared little puppies. There is such thing as class - and I believe, that for a fat girl, I dress with class.

At least now, I have a goal and the brevery to persue it. I was always embarassed to go jogging. I could hear people in my head - "Oh, there goes the fat girl trying to lose weight." So, I joined the gym and have been a GOOD kid. Working hard. My measurement for the month says that I've lost inches in a several places. Not bad for the fat girl.

Maybe one day I will have the figure I'm after. Selma Hayek or Marilyn Monroe. But with a little more muscle. And I can wear sexy slinky dresses and still be intelligent and respectable. It's fun to play sexy every once in a while and I love to celebrate the female form. I'm not all down on myself, really. More recently I've LIKED the face I see smiling back - whoa. That's sorta new. I was always eh with that. Life as a fat girl isn't all that bad and I've had terribly cute boyfriends...

And these are my boobs,
these are my thighs and
this is my gigantic gut.

But it's me.

And at least its good to know - as backup plan - that fat girls can always crush the skinny girls to death. Just in case.

"See I'm not sure if you know this, but there are two kinds of fat people: there's fat people that were born to be fat, and there's fat people that were once thin but became fat... so when you look at 'em you can sorta see that thin person inside." - John Bender, The Breakfast Club
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