I am still focusing on the "me". The self improvement that I have undergone this past year has proved successful, though, always always an undeniable work in progress. The rehabilitation of this vast sunken vessel in which I breathe, laugh, eat, think, admire, cry, enjoy, is coming along and right now I am at the biggest hump: self image.
Always believed myself to be eh - ok. And when boys stearted to look at me in high school I'd always peek over my shoulder for a beautiful stranger or check to see if my stomach was hanging out of my shirt. I went through this thing for a while where I felt I was always the fat girl ruining the picture - the ugly friend the boys would warm up to as a ploy to get closer to the CUTE one. And to be dead honest, I still feel that way sometimes. And I still do honestly believe that boys warmed up to me to get closer to my friends... I was always the invisible friend. Good thing, back then, I didn't really care or realize it. My head was too stuck on discovering The Beatles and a mysterious dark haired boy on the internet (oh god.). I always was proud of who I was - never really paid much mind on WHAT I was. I just knew everyone was prettier than I was, and I didn't really care one way or another. Was it naievete - the purity of an untouched youth who hadn't read her first copy of Seventeen yet? Hm. I can say that before I read those magazines I never checked to see if my side of the car was slanted more, worried about my weight in the elevator or got embarassed when someone tried to pick me up. Nor did I care about sharing the size of my pants with anyone. And I for SURE didn't think the first reason a boy didn't like me was because I am fat.
I wonder what it was that I put to my lips to give me this gut. I wish all the food I shovel down my throat could speak - firstly, it'd be a LOT easier for me to be a vegetarian - and secondly, it'd be a LOT easier for me to fit into those fabrics I drool over in Nylon. Maybe I couldn't afford them, but at the very least I could slip into them in the dressing room and take a picture - a la Leslie. I've always been a feminist to some degree. All women are. But man - I'd love to be a feminist with curves. Where did I put my waist? Who stole my waist? I guess I did. Or - Burger King.
I worry about my health.
Everyone has their weird things about their bodies but half the time I just feel like a man. With a beer gut and a 5 o clock shadow above my lip. In a dress I'm sure any drag queen could upstage me - at least she has curves. I wish I could always be clothed. Forever and ever and ever... I look better that way. I just see myself nude in the mirror and picture that scene from Peter Gabriel's "Sledgehammer" video where the 3 plucked turkeys are doing the can-can. My 5 minutes of fame. Lumpy mashed potatoes, unleveled grassland. I hate that fat is looked at as unattractive. I hate those postcards and campy porn images of obese women in swimsuits - or nothing - and seeing peoples reactions. "Ew!" they squeal. Why is it ew? Why is it so wrong to be fat? Obviously, we're taught that. And I'm not sure if my story is much different. I want to wear half shirts and bikinis on the beach. But I can't - because fat is unacceptable. And I WOULD - but people would humiliate me if I did. And inside we're all just scared little puppies. There is such thing as class - and I believe, that for a fat girl, I dress with class.
At least now, I have a goal and the brevery to persue it. I was always embarassed to go jogging. I could hear people in my head - "Oh, there goes the fat girl trying to lose weight." So, I joined the gym and have been a GOOD kid. Working hard. My measurement for the month says that I've lost inches in a several places. Not bad for the fat girl.
Maybe one day I will have the figure I'm after. Selma Hayek or Marilyn Monroe. But with a little more muscle. And I can wear sexy slinky dresses and still be intelligent and respectable. It's fun to play sexy every once in a while and I love to celebrate the female form. I'm not all down on myself, really. More recently I've LIKED the face I see smiling back - whoa. That's sorta new. I was always eh with that. Life as a fat girl isn't all that bad and I've had terribly cute boyfriends...
And these are my boobs,
these are my thighs and
this is my gigantic gut.
But it's me.
And at least its good to know - as backup plan - that fat girls can always crush the skinny girls to death. Just in case.
"See I'm not sure if you know this, but there are two kinds of fat people: there's fat people that were born to be fat, and there's fat people that were once thin but became fat... so when you look at 'em you can sorta see that thin person inside." - John Bender, The Breakfast Club